To do Blue or not? …

First crush.
First Kiss.
First time.
First boy to torture my heart.
First guy to give me trust issues.

So Blue (that’s his favorite color) has been in and out of my life since I was 12. We went to middle school together and he was the boy I developed my first major crush on. He also gave me my first real kiss, which I still remember to this day. After middle school we lost touch until we saw each other at a local club’s teen night when we were 15. We reconnected, we beeped each other 133 and then he took my virginity. Something else I’ll never forget and that I doubt he even remembers. It was a one time thing, he was into games back then and I gave him something I’ll never get back. We didn’t speak or see each other again till we were 19 when we hung out for a night with some old friends. He was into the fast life and while it was nice to see him I was with the Phantom and Blue seemed like a boy compared to the “man” I had. Fast forward to December 2012 and we found each other on Facebook. We because friends on there but never really spoke.

It wasn’t until this past September that reached out to me and we exchanged numbers and agreed to meet up for dinner to catch up. And play a little tango that has lasted until now with no end in sight. I couldn’t believe it when I saw him, the boy I once knew was a man. 28, muscular, confident and so god damn HANDSOME. Like salivating drool worthy, make my panties wet with one look hot. I had to keep reminding myself I would not go down that path again. We caught up, he presented me with a business venture he was partaking in and them we said good bye. Quick and painless. We became friends again, bullshitting through text, and he quickly became a really good friend. He picked me up night two months later to take me to a presentation at a club for the business venture he was in. The evening was nice but nothing came of it, I was not willing set foot into dangerous territory with him again-my heart could only take so much. I didn’t trust myself with him. He became that guy friend you tell all your dating stories too, he laughed with me, gave me advice, he was there.

We didn’t see each other again until March of this year. The night I had that date with Greek, I texted Blue and vented to him. He offered to take me out the next night. And…of course he was nothing short of amazing. A gentlemen, opened doors for me, actually paid attention to what I said. We had a fun night bowling and then had drinks at a local restaurant. He paid for everything, this was the second time he did that. But it wasn’t a date. We were just friends. I think. He’s almost impossible to read, sometimes he flirts and sometimes he’s reserved, sometimes he jokes with me sexually and sometimes he doesn’t. We made a bet that night, which I lost so I now owed him dinner and book. Which was fine by me, he was my best “not a date but I kinda wish it was” a date I had thus far. When I was getting out of the car, I leaned into give him a kiss on the cheek goodbye and I swore I saw a flash of disappointment in his eyes but I brushed it off. We went out a month later so he could cash in on the dinner and book I owed him. Another amazing evening…he was slowly ruining me for any future man. Why couldn’t my online dating guys be like him? Again, i leaned in at the end of evening for that kiss on the cheek he turned his face a little more and I ended up kissing the corner of his lips…I pulled away and this time I know I saw disappointment and maybe even shock flicker across his face. We never spoke of these things. We are “friends”. We haven’t seem each other since. We talk, every other week or sometimes a month will go by where we don’t speak. We’re both really busy and we get it. And then sometimes we have weeks where we talk everyday but we can never get our schedules in sync.

I just don’t know what to do with him. I know it will never be more than just sex. And I’m okay with that. I don’t think I ever want a relationship with him. I kinda just want a redo of my first time because let’s be honest, first time’s generally suck. All that crap in those new adult books about it only being slightly painful is bullshit. I want a redo with him, I want him to blow my mind sexually because I know he will and then I want to go back to just being us. But I can’t tell really tell what he wants. He let’s me vent to him about my dating life, he tells me it will come naturally, but then he flirts with me. There’s times he will text me random things like “you are out of this world” or “hey sexy lady I need to see you” When we text each other at the same time he calls it “the laws of attraction”. Sigh…what a tangled web we have woven. And if we have sex, I don’t want to ruin what we have. I actually like having him as a friend. He’s a pretty good one…so that’s Blue. There is so much history with us I can’t even begin to get into every last detail but he’s there…and I’m petrified to do anything about it.


Rant: Those Random Men….

Just another Friday night in the online dating scene…tonight I got two messages from men who clearly did not read the NOT DTF DISCLAIMER in my profile.

First guy, starts off with hey babe, you’re hot, but I bet you already knew that and then steam rolls right into this



Second guy was really random…why do I even entertain this? I must be bored…clearly I’m bored…



And then I got this little gem earlier in the week…really I just love it…


Pooh Bear (my female soul mate) says I must give off a scent that attracts men to the sexual side of me…wtf? Then there is that saying that you attract what you are, am I sex? Do I have a sign on my head that says, screw me or try to? Hit me with your best shot? I WANT ROMANCE! SWEEP ME OFF MY FEET! Where has all this gone and for Pete’s sake read my damn profile! You will not be screwing me anytime soon so please don’t assume that sending me sexual messages is going to change that!

Okay done with my rant for evening.

Not the Greek God I Was Hoping For….

My little break from online dating lasted about a month. By the time March rolled around I was ready to get back on the dating horse praying I did not encounter anymore psycho’s.I reactivated my free site account and within a few days i already had a new prospect…I was really hopeful about this one.

Greek had liked me back in January but I didn’t see it till I reactivated my page in March. He looked cute in his pictures. Actually he almost looked younger than 30 years old. He had a steady job as an accountant, a young daughter from a previous relationship and “appeared” settled. We seemed to click right away. I liked that he seemed mature and responsible. We moved over to texting and then talked on the phone a few times. He was definitely outgoing and the conversation flowed. He made it easy for me to talk to him which is difficult for me because I tend to be very quiet. We talked for about two weeks before we decided to go on a date. He asked if he could pick me up. I was hestiant because I didn’t do this. I didn’t want these guys knowing where I lived in case they turned out to be psychos like Mr. Possessive. On the other hand, he had not given me one red flag. I really enjoyed speaking with me, he never made me uncomfortable so I decided what the heck. He picked me up and if I’m honest, he looked a little rounder than his photos made him appear. It wasn’t awful but his pictures did seem slightly dated, but no where near as bad as catfish guy.  I didn’t hold it against him and we went to a diner by my house for dinner.

Dinner was great. The conversation flowed the entire time-there were no awkward quiet moments. I was thrilled. We talked about everything from our kids, jobs, past relationships and our dating experience so far. He knew I was frustrated because it seemed most of the guys I met were either looking to get in my pants, psycho or liars. He seemed to really be into me as well and was respectful the entire evening-no uncomfortable staring, nothing. Yay! When he went to the bathroom I quickly texted my girl-friend (“Pooh Bear”) and let her know this date was going great! Maybe date 6 would be my lucky one! We went to shoot pool after dinner because it seemed neither of us really wanted the evening to end. He totally kicked my butt at pool but it was a great time.

When he dropped me off at home, we shared a quick kiss on the lips good bye and then I went inside. Literally 15 seconds later I got a text from him saying he wanted to give me a proper kiss. Hmmm? OKAY! I ran back downstairs and he was there waiting. We kissed a little more; nothing hot and heavy. I wasn’t impressed with the way he kissed though, it felt awkward to me. So maybe we needed a little more practice. We made out some more when he then asked me if he could come upstairs; he said he didn’t want to have sex but he didn’t want to make out in the car like a teenager. (Been there, done that, heard this crap before) I told him no, I wasn’t okay with that, because it would eventually lead to sex and I didn’t want that. He seemed fine with that and we kissed a little more. He then proceeded to ask several times if he could come up. My answer was a firm No! He then had the nerve to look at me and say I was gonna leave him with blue balls. Are you freaking kidding me? Get over it! I was so done. I said good night and left him there, blue balls and all.



What a disappointment! Here I was thinking he actually was paying attention to our conversation throughout the night and come to find out it went in one ear and out the other! I was not DTF! I did it once with Five and vowed not to do it again. Greek just didn’t get it. He then had the nerve to text me the next morning and say he didn’t think we would work out because we wanted different things. No shit Sherlock!

Ugh that night I was so frustrated, everyone was pretty much asleep, except for one “friend”- Blue. Blue, who re-entered my life and surprised me in more ways than one. He took me out the next night after he heard about my disastrous date. Blue gave me the perfect evening…stay tuned!


Mr. Possessive

It’s February! Love month! I was keeping my fingers crossed that Cupid was going to shoot that lovely arrow at the perfect man for me! Sigh… Think Cupid really missed his target with this next one!

I started talking with this guy on the free site the week of valentine’s day. He was older, 35 I think, he worked as veterinary assistant and he seemed really sweet. He was easy to talk to and easy on the eyes. He didn’t alarm me in any way yet…so we exchanged numbers. Now I work and have two kids at home, I don’t have time to talk on the phone during the day and when I get home it’s all about my kids. Phone conversations generally don’t happen for me until after 9pm. Mr. Possessive wanted to talk on the phone and it seemed only on the phone. The first day I could not engage him in any type of text conversation. The second day we spoke on the phone for a total of 20 minutes. It was a snow day and I was home with the kids. He seemed sweet on the phone and really into me. We talked about our likes and dislikes, nothing to deep. We also set up a date for that Saturday night. He told me to call him later that evening once kids were in bed. I forgot and passed out early. Being home with the kids for the umpteenth snow day this year had me at my wits end!

I get a text the next morning, bright and early at 7 am, saying “thanks for the call!” I could feel the attitude coming through my phone. He followed it up with a “u didn’t miss me?” RED FLAG Seriously how could I miss someone I barely knew?

I decided to drop it and called him on my lunch break. It was Valentine’s Day and the day of my daughters birthday party at school. His words after I told him why I didn’t call him the night before were “well next time you need to text me and tell me your too tired to talk, okay?!” Hmmm.. I was not liking this…I do not like being bossed around and let alone from some guy I don’t know. I told him that number 1 I couldn’t miss him because I didn’t even know him and number 2 I fell asleep so texting to let him know that is kind of impossible. He then asked what I had planned for valentines day. I explained to him I was only going to work for half day as I was having a party for my daughter at her daycare. He asked if her dad, The Phantom, was going.
I said “of course he is, that’s her dad, I’m picking him up from train station and then we are headed over there.”
Mr. Possessive ” what? Why are you picking him up? Doesn’t he have a car?”
Me: ” yes he does, but it’s currently buried under god knows how many feet of snow, and the train station is literally on my way to her daycare, so it’s not a big deal.”
Mr. Possessive: ” yeah no it kind of is a big deal, why are you bending over backwards for him. Doesn’t he have a girlfriend who could do that for? I don’t like you hanging out so close to
Me: “excuse me?! Um I’m not bending over backwards, he can’t get his car out because it’s covered under snow and ice, his girlfriend works and I’m not going to disappoint my daughter. She wants her father there then I’ll make sure he is there”

This conversation went back and forth and practically led to an argument about what type of relationship I had with the Phantom. At this point, me and the Phantom were really trying to maintain a friendly relationship for the kids because neither of us particularly liked drama. At the end of the day, our children are what matters most and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let some strange guy come in and dictate what I can and can’t do. He ended up backing off but it left a bad taste in my mouth.

Later than evening I got a text from him, this is how our convo went verbatim! I’m the green he is the gray:






Can we say asshole and creepy! What a douche! I wasn’t even nasty, I was trying to be honest since he insisted I give “us” a shot and I even wished him luck in finding a girl who met his needs. I really wasn’t trying to be nasty and I genuinely did wish him the best until the next comment. What an ignorant thing to say!!! And he took crazy stalker to a whole other level with his friends who are cops comment. I blocked his ass so fast! And I reported to the free site. I hope they denied him access! I feel bad for the next girl!

Since that right there pretty much scared the shit out of me, I deactivated my free profile and took a little breather. This whole online dating thing was now going way off course!

Mr. Boring…

This date was so bland I had trouble writing about it.

The holidays came and went without much drama from the Phantom. (That’s a whole other post) Finally I was into the new year and determined to leave the phantom and all his damage in 2013. 2014 was going to be about my kids and me and that’s it!

And…I finally got a hit on the paid dating site! WOOHOOO! Now to be quite honest the only reason I sent the guy questions was because we had the same job title and I wondered if we worked for the same agency. He was 30, from a neighboring but very close state, and he was okay looking. I was trying my best not to judge a book by it’s cover but I figure if I’m going to date you I need to at least like to look at you! Anyways, we went through the whole 3 step process of formulated questions and then got to the free write section. He immediately asked where I worked and it turns out we did actually work for same agency but in different regions. I guess that helped the conversation flow because we easily switched to texting and then decided to set up a date.

We met a popular restaurant for lunch on a Sunday. He looked better in his pictures, but he wasn’t doing it for me. He was just so blah, we had an okay conversation and had some similar interests but I just was not into him. Through out the lunch he kept staring at me and not in a creepy eye fucking way just weird. I found him to be a bit socially awkward which isn’t a big deal because I’m generally very shy when I meet people but he just had certain quirks about him. He actually said he found me quite bold and outspoken-which could not be farther from the truth about me, but I wasn’t in the best mood that day either. I also felt like I was being interrogated about my job. Even though we work for same agency we had a lot of differences in how things were run because of the different regions. His area was also more union centered. Turns out he was also the union rep for his office. I felt like if I said the wrong thing he was going to report me or something. He also asked way to many questions about the Phantom for a first date. Which was not a good thing considering the Phantom and I had a HUGE blowout the night before so I was not feeling particularly friendly about that topic. Finally it was the end and we went our merry ways, we kissed on the cheek goodbye (thank god). We talked on the IM system our agency had set up a few times after that but suffice it to say I don’t think either of us were really interested in going on another date. Fine by me.

What did I learn from this date? DO NOT GO ON DATES THE DAY AFTER A FIGHT WITH THE PHANTOM! I wear my feelings on my sleeve and I think some of the anger and tension I was feeling could also be sensed in my words. Also just because someone works for the same agency as you should not be a reason to date someone!

Free dating site- 3
Paid dating site- 1 and it was a dud!

Yawn! Exactly how I felt after the date and after writing this!


Squirt twice….maybe not!

The night after my hot date with Five I had another first date with “Squirt”. I didn’t think I would be engaging in “book porn” with Five the night before or I would have never set up this date. It was my weekend without the kids so I decided to cram in as many dates as possible.

I had started texting with Squirt around the same time I met Five. Squirt was cool. He seemed down to earth, busy, early 30’s and owned his own cab company. He just seemed like a nice guy. I didn’t have any overwhelming feelings toward him as the other guys though. I didn’t really have high hopes for him but he looked attractive in his only profile pic and our conversations so far had been easy going. We decided to go to my favorite resturant close to my house. So I’m waiting outside and I hear someone behind me say my name and turned expecting to see the man in the picture…W….T….F?


Although he did somewhat resemble (if you looked close enough) his picture it also looked like he had aged 15 years and dropped about 70 pounds. Maybe he was 90 pounds…wet. It was like looking at a scrawny wet dog. I hope I managed to keep the horror off my face.

We ended up going down the block to another restaurant because my favorite was packed. It was, needless to say, a very painful dinner for me. I almost felt like I had been catfished. He just looked like a much older and skinnier version of his picture. Now I understand why he only had one. I must have gone to the bathroom at least 3 times in that hour and half time span. We made small talk over dinner, but I pretty much just pretended to pay attention. Good thing was he was able to hold a conversation with not many words coming out of my mouth. I was so relieved when the check came.

I decided I needed to pull out my male repellant just in case he got the wrong idea. I hadn’t done this on any dates so far but I lit up a cigarette so fast, in hopes he would be disgusted. NOT A CHANCE! He could care less. When we got to my car it was time again for that awkward “hey thanks for dinner but I really don’t want to see you again, so how do I say it gently?” goodbye. His face leaned in. Lips puckered. BAM! He got the cheek! And a noseful of hopefully smokey hair! We left it off with a promise to keep in contact. Fat Chance! I sent him a thank you text when I got home and then proceeded to use my new beloved phone feature block this caller. I also blocked him on the online dating site. This was one date I didn’t even want to have the “closure” conversation with.

I should have known something was wrong. Only one profile pic and his username referred to making a woman cum twice (this is where squirt comes from). He was overcompensating by getting attention from women with his username and mysterious one picture profile.

Note to self: one picture means something is wrong, always request recent picture once you start texting or talking on the phone!

I decided to take a little break from the online dating thing. Between my dates not really going where I wanted them to go and the holidays right around the corner I just didn’t have time to juggle it all.

Salt on open wounds

The MIL this evening texted me randomly to say this song reminded her of “the phantom”. How when he left my house he would play this song all the time. Three months into our separation when they went on vacation he blasted it and zoned out. This made me depressed.

I knew this song so well already. Back when I was riding the crazy train “the phantom” told me I should listen to this song so I could realize what “I lost”. At the time I thought he was an ass for doing that but now when she told me this it kind of makes sense. He was telling me what he couldn’t put into his own words. Just a little too late. He was the one who lost, not me.

Although I know we can’t be together, and that he still has A VERY LONG WAY TO GO, hearing this song kind of feels like someone just poured a whole bunch of salt over a still open wound. The kind of wounds that never really go away.

But I choose to be happy, I’ll let myself wallow for a little but I know I inevitably made the right decision.