First boy to torture my heart.
First guy to give me trust issues.
So Blue (that’s his favorite color) has been in and out of my life since I was 12. We went to middle school together and he was the boy I developed my first major crush on. He also gave me my first real kiss, which I still remember to this day. After middle school we lost touch until we saw each other at a local club’s teen night when we were 15. We reconnected, we beeped each other 133 and then he took my virginity. Something else I’ll never forget and that I doubt he even remembers. It was a one time thing, he was into games back then and I gave him something I’ll never get back. We didn’t speak or see each other again till we were 19 when we hung out for a night with some old friends. He was into the fast life and while it was nice to see him I was with the Phantom and Blue seemed like a boy compared to the “man” I had. Fast forward to December 2012 and we found each other on Facebook. We because friends on there but never really spoke.
It wasn’t until this past September that reached out to me and we exchanged numbers and agreed to meet up for dinner to catch up. And play a little tango that has lasted until now with no end in sight. I couldn’t believe it when I saw him, the boy I once knew was a man. 28, muscular, confident and so god damn HANDSOME. Like salivating drool worthy, make my panties wet with one look hot. I had to keep reminding myself I would not go down that path again. We caught up, he presented me with a business venture he was partaking in and them we said good bye. Quick and painless. We became friends again, bullshitting through text, and he quickly became a really good friend. He picked me up night two months later to take me to a presentation at a club for the business venture he was in. The evening was nice but nothing came of it, I was not willing set foot into dangerous territory with him again-my heart could only take so much. I didn’t trust myself with him. He became that guy friend you tell all your dating stories too, he laughed with me, gave me advice, he was there.
We didn’t see each other again until March of this year. The night I had that date with Greek, I texted Blue and vented to him. He offered to take me out the next night. And…of course he was nothing short of amazing. A gentlemen, opened doors for me, actually paid attention to what I said. We had a fun night bowling and then had drinks at a local restaurant. He paid for everything, this was the second time he did that. But it wasn’t a date. We were just friends. I think. He’s almost impossible to read, sometimes he flirts and sometimes he’s reserved, sometimes he jokes with me sexually and sometimes he doesn’t. We made a bet that night, which I lost so I now owed him dinner and book. Which was fine by me, he was my best “not a date but I kinda wish it was” a date I had thus far. When I was getting out of the car, I leaned into give him a kiss on the cheek goodbye and I swore I saw a flash of disappointment in his eyes but I brushed it off. We went out a month later so he could cash in on the dinner and book I owed him. Another amazing evening…he was slowly ruining me for any future man. Why couldn’t my online dating guys be like him? Again, i leaned in at the end of evening for that kiss on the cheek he turned his face a little more and I ended up kissing the corner of his lips…I pulled away and this time I know I saw disappointment and maybe even shock flicker across his face. We never spoke of these things. We are “friends”. We haven’t seem each other since. We talk, every other week or sometimes a month will go by where we don’t speak. We’re both really busy and we get it. And then sometimes we have weeks where we talk everyday but we can never get our schedules in sync.
I just don’t know what to do with him. I know it will never be more than just sex. And I’m okay with that. I don’t think I ever want a relationship with him. I kinda just want a redo of my first time because let’s be honest, first time’s generally suck. All that crap in those new adult books about it only being slightly painful is bullshit. I want a redo with him, I want him to blow my mind sexually because I know he will and then I want to go back to just being us. But I can’t tell really tell what he wants. He let’s me vent to him about my dating life, he tells me it will come naturally, but then he flirts with me. There’s times he will text me random things like “you are out of this world” or “hey sexy lady I need to see you” When we text each other at the same time he calls it “the laws of attraction”. Sigh…what a tangled web we have woven. And if we have sex, I don’t want to ruin what we have. I actually like having him as a friend. He’s a pretty good one…so that’s Blue. There is so much history with us I can’t even begin to get into every last detail but he’s there…and I’m petrified to do anything about it.